{'Messiness makes you different': the actor on prescriptions, emotional wounds, memoir – and shooting television's most sexually frank sequence

There's a revealing instance in Lukas Gage's new book where he refers to it a "premature autobiography". It's a self-deprecating joke, of course, but it's also accurate. Gage isn't megawatt well-known – at least not yet. Chances are, though, if you've watched him then you will remember him. In 2020, he went viral after sharing an audition video where the director – not realizing he wasn't on mute – was heard criticizing his living arrangements. "These poor people live in these small apartments," he states, before Gage steps in to let him know he can hear every word. The next year, Gage appeared in the debut installment of The White Lotus: in one moment, his character Dillon is caught by a hotel guest standing stark naked in the office, while the manager engages in anilingus on him.

"I figured: I don't have too much to do in the show so I'd better make an impression on it big," he says with a grin today. "I aimed to give people something to remember me by – and I did!"

Messy Roles and Life

Gage excels in characters whose lives are messy and disordered – just like his own. That existence is all laid on the line in his memoir, which – here comes another self-deprecating remark – is called I Wrote this Book for Attention. Although humorously engaging, its subject matter is far from light. We start with Gage's feelings of rejection by his father, then move on to drug use, molestation, family dysfunction, dependency, personality disorders, shame, unstable relationships and emotional pain. What we aren't shown all that much of is the glitz of fame. Gage readily acknowledges he is at the beginning of his career. He has no vast reserves of knowledge to impart on success. So what was the reason of penning a memoir?

"I think it's therapeutic for me to tell my story," he says over a online call from New York. "During the Hollywood writers' strike I had the opportunity to really delve and go profound, so I just said: why not."

Early Years and Approval

Gage, 30, was raised in San Diego, and from an young age he was aware of his persistent need for validation. He recalls a gathering where he appeared, aged four, wearing heels and costume accessories; in particular, he recalls being wounded by his dad's obvious disgust at what he was doing. Their bond never really healed – Gage's dad left and became progressively distant with his sons (Gage has two older brothers) before starting with a new family.

Gage struggled to fit in at school. He was a natural performer, but this meant it was often challenging to know who the real Lukas was. "I was constantly adopting different hats and identities, which I think was quite divisive for people," he says. It also had its benefits. Gage could effortlessly adopt the character of a clean-living football player while secretly filling his bag up with alcohol at the rear of the shop. He was sometimes compensated by classmates to call up and pretend to be their parents to get them out of class. "Transforming into different people was effortless to me," he says.

Dependency and Household Challenges

The book addresses dependency – mainly his sibling's battles with heroin that turn the admired sibling he looked up to into a weak shell, but also his mother's obsession with casino slot machines. An initial jackpot meant the household could manage to make the deposit on a bigger house, but Gage laughs when I ask if she actually profited from betting. "In the end, how much she used was certainly a lot more than that."

It is funny, he says. Until she had gone through the book, his mum hadn't really come to terms with this side of her personality. "She spoke to my other brothers, like, 'Do you guys think this way too?' And they were all like, 'Naturally, we've been mentioning this since we were kids.'"

Gage has a lot of affection for his mum, who clearly brought her kids up in challenging circumstances. But she had a hard time reading it. "She felt as if she was unsuccessful as a mother and I did not want her to think that way at all. I believe like even though there's these chaotic things that occurred to me, tough things, I truly loved the way that I grew up."

Finding Identity and Abuse

Gage didn't begin to find his real identity until he was sent to an acting summer camp as a child, where being loud, flamboyant and expressive was actually supported. The time was transformative in good ways, but also in a terrible one. One night, he was joined in his shelter by a camp counsellor who instructed Gage and a girl camper to kiss, remove their garments and press their selves against each other while he masturbated. For a long time afterwards, he tried to ignore the guilt it imprinted him with.

"As with a lot of people who undergo being abused, I felt like there was a willingness on my part because my body just checked out. I knew it was inappropriate. I knew that the situation should not be happening. But I just ploughed through it."

Self-Criticism and Career Journey

Gage is tough on himself in the book – and continues to be. He confesses to searching out "dark critiques" of himself on the internet. "I dislike that I don't always hold my performance and writing in the best light," he says. "I wish I could have more empathy with that part of myself."

Yet he acknowledges that this doubt drives him forward too. In secondary school, he featured in a wart-removal commercial and spent the day on set inquiring about every query possible about audio and the role of crew. Despite his mum's concerns, he left San Diego for Hollywood at the age of 18, residing in the Alta Cienega Motel where his hero Jim Morrison stayed, on and off, between 1968 and 1970 (online comments – "Stay FAR FAR AWAY from this DUMP!" – suggest it might not have been the most luxurious of accommodations).

Gage's big break should have arrived when he landed a part in Mad Men, as Sally Draper's love interest. He told his whole family about it, but during a wardrobe session he was forced to reveal the tattoos he'd had done on his sides, back and calf. "There were these agents telling to me: how could you ruin this? How could you mess this up? I don't think that was the greatest thing for a teenager to hear when they've just missed out on something that significant."

These days, such markings would be covered up in minutes, but back then he was dismissed and starting over. The constant rounds of auditions and refusals were harsh, but at least he had been trained well for them. "Whenever I got turned down for a job, I would always think: it's fine, it's not as bad as my dad rejecting me for another family and child," he remarks.

Persistence and Success

Gage continued. The story of how he lied, begged and cheated to get an audition for Assassination Nation, which ultimately resulted in a part in the popular series Euphoria (as Tyler Clarkson, bruised and in a support) and then The White Lotus, could fill a book in itself. Gage recalls the oddity of filming The White Lotus in 2020, sequestered in a luxury Hawaii hotel while the health crisis and the US election raged on. It was actually Gage, along with fellow actor Murray Bartlett, who pitched the idea that their intimate scene should be something a bit extra – and creator Mike White happily agreed. Gage laughs recalling his mum's response. "She sent me a message, like, 'What a cute rear, but maybe next time provide a heads-up that's going to occur when I'm watching with my companions.'"

It was while on set that Gage showed fellow cast members the recording in which his home was criticized. Their response – shocked, entertained, encouraging – convinced him to share it online. He wasn't prepared for the feedback it received: numerous articles, expressions of support from fellow actors and unknown people alike, and a campaign against the director in question, none of which Gage had any control over. "I thought like people were much more mad about it than I was, which confused me," he {