Over-Apologizing: Ways to Stop the Cycle

For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.